Breaking point
I’m sorry, everyone. I’m sorry for all the time you spent hearing me cry and panic. I’m sorry I dumped this mess on you. Your kindness is more than I deserve, I’m a fraud.
My body is lashing out at me again. I have little appetite, the headaches are almost every day- and when I do eat I’m woken up hours later by agonising stomach pains. I’ve had to skip meals before my shifts, I just can’t risk throwing up at work. I can’t blame it for reacting this way- my own insecurities and panic is infecting it.
I have a difficulty understanding complicated matters, especially if there’s guilt involved. But there’s no yes or no answer this time. You tried to explain it on the call- but I didn’t fully understand. And now I’m lost...you must think me crazy, asking again and again. But I’m no good with complex issues.
I’m torn between guilt and hope. Everything has been so intense, to my backward-ass brain, that I just can’t cope. I don’t know why I can’t stop crying- I feel like I’ve gotten in too deep and now I can’t get out. Please just let the world make sense again.
All these extra work shifts are exhausting- but I need the money for my mums birthday next month. Still no idea what to get her- I’m atrocious at guessing what gifts to give. >_< I need an obvious idea- that or a diagram. Heh. I once got fostered when trying to pick out new wineglasses for my parents- I don’t drink so I knew Sweet FA about it..
I’d better go to bed. Work was exhausting today, and I think my supervisor is starting to spot the bits where I get dizzy and have to grab into my chair. Thank goodness I have this week off...
Im sorry TMD
I’m sorry for going on and on about the same thing, like a stuck record. I’m not good at solving these “loops” I get into, and I know how frustrating people find me.
I’m sorry. I guess I’m just not the confident type. I’ve tried to be, but I get scared and often bail.
Len, I’m so sorry I bothered you so much. I don’t blame you for stopping responding to me. I just hope you’ll forgive me. Sketch, thanks for giving me chances to feel like a real artist, you’re awesome. You too, Osean.
I can’t keep losing my friends like this, even though it’s all my fault.
Thank you, for sticking with me like you did. I loved getting to know you guys. But as always, my mental breakdowns have torn you away. I don’t know how to forgive myself anymore. I WANT to be a good friend but I’m not sure if I’ll ever understand how.
I could blame it all on the Aspergers, but I don’t think that’s the case. I’m just a jumbled mess from the start. Although, I stand by one thing with regard to my disability:
If anyone ever says it’s a “gift”, I reserve the right to throw a shoe at them. That is all.
Ooh.
OK, update: the open art category hadn’t been ignored, someone at EQD just posted it, I guess it got overlooked. and as if if to bonk me over the head for being so upset, my doodle “Love Link” was a header image. I’m now stuck back in bed with a fever that’s decided to sneak up on me, so this is a lovely treat. So, thanks EQD, sorry I jumped The gun. iPad still don’t like DA, gah. I don’t think anyone read the other journal, but if they did, hi.
As a mess suffering from anxiety, this means a lot. I’m still an amateur artist, but I’m sure I can improve sooner or later. Just gotta sleep....
Stay of execution
I apologise for the dramatic journal post before, things were getting so bad and I felt like I’d made an utter fool of myself. A lot of anger and stress with nowhere to go can be a dangerous thing, and I was going loopy. Additionally, it seems my blood sugar may be behind the dizzy fits I’ve been having.
I had completely forgotten about that blood test that the paramedic did, where he warned I was on “the low end of normal“. I am doof. I’m feeling better now, been keeping an eye on it.
Sweet merciful crap, DA does not like the ipads keyboard for some reason.
Its time.
I’m going to just be blunt: I don’t know if I really want to stay in DA. I do my best art and it still looks childish and pathetic next to the fandom (MLP). You can call me conceited but I just wanted people to see the goofy stuff I made and hopefully get a chuckle out of it. But I feel hopeless and more and more like I don’t belong. Most of my friends on here and in Discord are into more mature things, like video game art and anthro or furry. The artwork I’ve seen these guys post is so cute and well crafted. And here’s me with my stilted style and childish technique. I post stuff and there’s just resounding silence, like nobody’s sure how to address the goofy pony in the room. I don’t care if people dislike the subject matter, I just want to see what they think of the colours, shading etc. Because these guys know their stuff and I’m still an amateur....
in the end I’m too big a coward. Too scared of the laughter to ever be more then an amateu, too overawed to put my scribbles alongside theirs.
Truth be told, something in me died some time ago. Maybe its just the realisation that I’ve reached the best of what I can do. A cocktail of learning difficulties means I can’t go beyond certain points. Can’t play modern games because I can’t react properly in time, so my computer is just sitting there, it’s game slibrary forever frozen in time.
Go ahead and call me childish, this is what hurts for me. Watching the things I loved drift away as my mind and body slowly degrade. Seeing what’s wrong and being unable to stop it, it’s torture. And I can’t see a way out.